kissing the rain

2006-06-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

MOVED.

http://sparxflew.livejournal.com

actually moved for quite a long time.
just lazy want to tell u all..

hahahahah.

2006-03-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

You are a beautiful fracture in my perennial pursuit of self discovery. You are the plastic dove perched on the grey concrete gargoyle. You are the lovely scar on my tainted arms. You are the rusty ring worn loosely around my fourth finger.

You are
You are
Everything and nothing at all.

You are both genders and you possess no anatomy. You are the suicidal ragdoll jumping off my Lego castle. You are the sweet embrace that i long for in the battle field. You are just memories i lock away in a wooden crate.
Your dirge has no words. Your theories have no meaning. But my ears welcome such ecstasy pouring from those tobacco stained lips of yours.

You are everything and nothing to me.
And i will never forget you.

The 2 D's in my life. Disaster and Depression.
Disaster is female clad in brown striped shirts.
Depression is male with black ankle socks and checkered boxers.
I am a liar and a dreamer and a thinker and a romantic cynic.

Don't believe a word i say.
i ~~love~~hate you.

2006-02-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

an immense void i tried to fill up.

2006-01-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

why u gotta go screw me up like this.
like a tangled web of emotions.
i feel like wet noodle.
u know pasta? when its all soggy and in a mess jumbled up and shit.
thats how i feel.
fuck u _____f.
i effing would love to hate you now.
instead all im hating is that i love you.

fucking leave,
i have my own someone now.
i love my someone.
so very, very much.

sindhu said "you can't help who you fall in love with. "
i think maybe u can.. but its true. once u've fallen, you've fallen.
you can't change it unless you fall out of it.
but u've already fallen.
so it happened.
you cant stop what already has happened.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
GO AWAY.
STOP ME FROM FUCKING MISSING YOU.

fuck im such a fucktard.

like woah.

2006-01-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

to the one that got away.

2006-01-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

"Letters To You"
Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that
I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]

No more looking i've found home

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]

I'm gone away
I'm gone away

2006-01-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

changes.
i accept them with open arms.
thats what i'd like to think.
maybe i dont like changes that come without a warning.
yes, i can easily adapt myself in any situation that im put in. that i know.
but i dont think i like those that dont adhere to giving warnings.
why did you change?
sayang, mengapa kau berubah
haha, how jiwang.

i've changed. i know i have.
i was a much better person in secondary school.
but there was alot of pretentious bullshit.
maybe ive grown a bit more streetsmart.
experience helps in growth.
have i grown?
maybe just in weight.
blehkxxxxxx.

incubus -miss you

2006-01-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn’t think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can’t explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.(? )
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I’m wasting away.
I know I’ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you

2006-01-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

international you day

2006-01-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

I'm coming home today
to wipe the tears right from your eyes
I'm totally enamored by your life
Nothing that I've done
has ever been for one

but without you
my life is incomplete
my days are absolutely gray
and so I'll try
let your heart know for sure
that i have so much more to tell you
every single day

camwhoring with sisters

2005-12-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

2005-12-20T00:16:00.000-08:00

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus:
maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus

why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

chorus

heaven knows

-rick price//heaven knows

sweet darkness come fuck me

2005-12-20T00:12:00.000-08:00

Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

-natalie merchant's my skin

so i go thru the day saying my how do you do's . my fake smiles, my feigned happiness. my stretched lips my gleaming eyes. my laughter my giggles.
unreal.
fake.
my faux pretentious cheeriness.

this obscure murkiness that resides in me.
like a plague eating my insides.
can i ram my hands inside
and pull out the thick black smut that
is infecting me.
is fortification wallowing in self pity?
do i feel a sense of self gratification?

no?

then why the constant permission of the hunting memories?
why the constant saltwater trails?
havent u had enough?
havent you?

yeah, i guess i havent.
deeyana, ur a fucktard.
screw you.

2005-12-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

where is the silver lining.
the sense of relief.
where tell me.
i dont want people to leave anymore.
does the current status that i have inadvertedly change all of your perceptions towards me?
do i seem different.
am i not the same anymore?
could you point to me a direction to go.
i dont know where im heading.
i dont know how to be strong.
i dont know how to persevere.
i seem to be grappling at people now for some sense of hope.
and i havent done it in a long time..
when i had problems i didnt call people to talk it out
it was always zaph or sindhu or someone that came forward and asked me whts wrong.
now im depending on people to give me hope.
depending
i hate depending on other people.
coz i hate it hen other people do that too.
you tend to take things for granted and...
...
lose everthing you thought would stay.
i dont want to lose anyone anymore.

and hey, i like you.
i like you alot.
but getting into something again...
i'd rather just be happy.
with good company.
with good friends.
sometimes i wish i could be with someone again.
and yet,
i only have one flame.
one flame reigns superior over all the tiny sparks that you create.
one flame i can never get back.
one flame i dont want to let go.
i dont even know how to let go.
and thts why it hurts more.

i sat in a long busride.
i could feel you soft moist hands holdng mine.
and i could feel you wrap ur hands around my shoulders
feel you kiss my cheek and forehead.
then i opened my eyes and you were'nt there.
as cheesy as it sounds.
i miss you so much.

<3

2005-12-11T04:33:00.000-08:00

danah died.
but she will live.
the heart endures many fractures.
the mind controls whether you want to give up or not.
i'll be ok.
thank you for all who care.

shoutout

2005-12-01T06:39:00.000-08:00

thank you everyone who came. you make me feel like im not friendless:)

shoutouts go to : ZAPHIRAH MUSTAPHA CENTER, QAMARUL HISYAM FHM, FAIZAL ZELL SUKIM MARCUS, SHARM + BF, CHERYL CEDAR BOSS LAP SITTER, SHAHIRAH ANSARI BOLSTER SHLONG AND MY DEAR UNNISAURUS.

thank you.
you don't know how much it means to me.

written on the body

2005-11-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

jeanette winterson's written on the body is such an exquisite and beautiful book. talks of the human condition and how love can raise you to such highs and plummet you to such lows. boy(?) meets girl, boy(?) falls in love with girl, boy(?) loses girl, boy(?) finds girl again. why the question marks? because thruout the whole book hir gender is not defined. to focus on the more important things outlined in the story, mainly, love.

you would think cliche? but thruout the whole story the phrase "its the cliches that cause trouble" are reapeted at least five times. repeatition = emphasis. but beautiful, beautiful language and writing.

i had a nice quaint shouting session with my mom about two seconds ago. she likes to confiscate my laptop. says i go into unnecessary things. partially true but unnecessity is my life, she's never gonna realise that three hours of internet a day is never gonna be sufficient for me.

but maybe she does realise but the obvious gulf between youth vs age has polarised them into two opposing groups that doesn't really make situations easy.

i wish for miracles.

portishead is love.

2005-10-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

"Roads" by Portishead

Ohh, can't anybody see

We've got a war to fight

Never found our way

Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong

From this moment

How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light

I feel

No more can I say

Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side

And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see

We've got a war to fight

Never found our way

Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong

From this moment

How can it feel, this wrong

[INSTRUMENTAL]

How can it feel, this wrong

This moment

How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see

We've got a war to fight

Never found our way

Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong

From this moment

How can it feel, this wrong

bah

2005-10-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

hmm, i havent got much to say.

oh i do!

i have an LJ.

i havent told alot of ppl coz well there's a lot of friends only stuffs and well, there's no point in the public seeing em. its alot more provocative and explicit in there so to bad to the people who read my blog and find me boring.

2005-10-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

sindhu's party was alright.
wished i could have stayed longer.
more time was spent on getting a cab for yokie.
for those who read this and think hey, why wasnt i invited?its just coz it was for really really close friends.
when i heard yokie's familiar scream on the other end of the receiver, i was shocked.
i didnt think she would come. yeah, i know she's in the same jc as sindhu, but i didnt think they were that close. then i realised that yokie would be a good aspect in the party. it would have been pretty dull if she wasnt there.
i went there with sharm.
i knew straight off tht ppl wouldnt warm up to sharm.
first impressions matter.
thts all i have to say.
but maybe if they got to know her for how sweet she really is, she would have felt like she belonged more.
there was alcohol, ciggarettes and pizza.
i opted for the last two options.
its been a long time since i last had a drag.
sometimes you need this things to overcome your insatiable thirst for it.
yeah, now i dont feel like i have a craving anymore.
its sad how my mind works.
would you like to donate money to this sad child?

anw, i think siva and sanjay are cute. sanjay is like the furry cute, and siva is like the broody cute. boys, are fine to look at. i like looking at boys. getting with them is a whole completely different matter altogether.
my sexual orientation is yet to be defined.
ok, but i hate stereotypes and labels.
so my sexual orientation is a deeyana.

"hello im lesbian. what are you?"
"hello im a deeyana."

gah...

pictures. pictures

2005-09-19T06:40:00.000-07:00

here's what i look like after i mandi without taking out my eye makeup.

brother took this. i think i look cute.haha

taken just now.

and just cam whore-ness.

tra la la

2005-09-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

"come sing my dirge for me.
im waiting, waiting
for my elegy"

i wrote this for my BSTATS exam.
poetic for a dumbassstupidheadfuckuploser, no?

incubus-here in my room

2005-09-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in fullblown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight

If the world would fall apart
In a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing
Now that you're here

Yeah, love is a verb here in my room
Here in my room, here in my room

You enter and close the door behind you
Now show me the world as seen from the stars
If only the lights would dim a little
I'm weary of eyes upon my scars

Pink tractor beam into your incision
Head spinning as free as dervishs' whirl
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl
That kind of girl

lyrics-r-me

2005-09-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

Betray!
The Avalon is always beside me
And I’m following it home
Where is my home
Orion glows
And his eyes open up
I once believed I would set you in line

If only I had the strength you’d be completely accepting something else

If you keep asking me I’ll melt away in the summer air
It won’t hurt half as much and beg for you please stop it now
If you keep asking me I’ll melt away in the summer air
It won’t hurt half as much and I’ll beg for you please tell me something

The fluid through the alpha waves and power cables everywhere
Exercising self-control
The child calls
And she lies open
I would believe if only I’d been thinking at all

If only I had the strength you’d be completely accepting something else

If you keep asking me I’ll melt away in the summer air
It won’t hurt half as much and beg for you please stop it now
If you keep asking me I’ll melt away in the summer air
It won’t hurt half as much and I’ll beg for you please tell me something

If only I had the strength you’d be completely accepting something else

If you keep asking me I’ll melt away in the summer air
It won’t hurt half as much and beg for you please stop it now
If you keep asking me I’ll melt away in the summer air
It won’t hurt half as much and I’ll beg for you please tell me something

You swore
Out like my life
You cried
So I’m engaged to smile

-Saosin I can Tell.

i prefer the piano version though. the vocals are more audible.

omfg funny site!

2005-09-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

ok go to this website ppl.
its ACTUALLY FUNNY!.
go to the emotions page.
http://emotioneric.com

oh my, funny shite.
got frm laney.
hahax

when all else fails eat hotdogs.

2005-09-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

meaningless, i tell you.
just meaningless.
living in this house.
living in singapore.
living. just living.
meaningless, i tell you.

birthday post.

2005-09-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

j'ai dix-huit ans.
~wheeeee

well i went out to city hall and just spent my time there.
we just laughed alot.
laughed alot we did. making fun of ppl.
thx for making it special.
and the crying was inevitable.
its not ur fault.
i knew beforehand tht i would.
but the whole day was amazing.
thank u so much:)

oh i got an mp3 player.
only 256mb, but nonetheless much much appreciated.
yay, now im cool.
wahahahhahx.

i got alot of msges!
not bad for someone who hasnt eaten recess with anybody for almost a year.
ok so i have. like in a month maybe twice or less.
heh.

so here's the ranking:
1) haziyah
2)dohnut
3) fian
4) zaph
5) Daniela
6) eela
7) faith
8) hazirah
9) qamarul
10) nadzirah
11) sindhu
12) charlene
13) shahirah

lucky thirteen. thirteen has always been special to me. there were friendster testimonials and msn msgs too.
i feel loved. ♥♥♥
hahahax. its funny how ive been avoiding getting close with ppl. and yet i still have friends hu remember my birthday.
i love you guys. thank you so so much.

ES*EC5A33Y T6 Y64 D55, 5 36VE Y64 S6, S6 04CH. 5 36VE Y64!

pussy mouth

2005-08-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

mom said my mulut skarang macam puki.
coz i jawab balik at her.

4 days till my birthday.

WANTED:some solace

2005-08-28T00:44:00.000-07:00

no.
go away.
dont come near.
go.
pls.
i dont want to feel this way.
i dont want to feel you.
i dont want scretion from my eyes.
i just dont.
go away.
hate loathe abhor u.

just go pls.
ur ruining everything.
everything tht was so hard to build.
i dont want to lose this.
its so hard.
its so hard.

ive been crying almost everyday.
i wonder how ramadhan's gonna be.
batal everyday.
woop pee doo.

anagramique baby

2005-08-26T02:51:00.000-07:00

funny how my mood swings.
well imgonna do what dani did inher blog before and put down anagrams. i think its kinda cool.

A AD EN YE
A AD NE YE
A ADEN YE
A DANE YE
A DEAN YE
A EDNA YE
A DAN EYE
A DNA EYE
A AND EYE
A DAY NEE
A YEA DEN
A YEA NED
A YEA END
A AYE DEN
A AYE NED
A AYE END
A AN DE YE
A AN ED YE
A AN EYED
A ANY DEE
A NAY DEE
ADA EN YE
ADA NE YE
DANA EYE
ANA DE YE
ANA ED YE
ANA EYED
AD YEA EN
AD YEA NE
AD AYE EN
AD AYE NE
AD AN EYE
ADEN YEA
ADEN AYE
DANE YEA
DANE AYE
DEAN YEA
DEAN AYE
EDNA YEA
EDNA AYE
YEA AN DE
YEA AN ED
AYE AN DE
AYE AN ED

hmm. boring. i like the name dana though. always had.
oh well. sleepy.late.sleep.eyebags.ugh.cold spoons?nah.nite world.

legal in 7 days

2005-08-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

my bdae is coming and i feel
unaccomplished.
there were lots of things that i wanted to do by the time i turned 18.

wen iwas 13 or 14, i said i wanted to wear a tudung by the time im 18.
heh.
now im questioning my faith.

i know i wanted to feel more fulfilled.
like my life would be more worth it.
m y l i f e i s a l o s t c a u s e

i forgot the perils of being angst ridden.
but im not angst ridden.
denial?
but when i said i had issues, so me said i was thick skinned, and tht i didnt have issues.
okay not some. one said.

je ne m'aime pas.
sigh.

mom called me cheebai....again.

2005-08-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

again she calls me tht.
again i cried.
again i said fuck.
lets say fuck again.
F.U.C.K

okay.
whatever.

i wantto change my layout.

random words

2005-08-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

boobs with marks. bigger boobs.
different scale.same numbers.bigger numbers.
life. drain.
down, down, down, down.
LJ.lease.
down, down, down, down.
cheenafucks.
melayufucks.
mamakfucks.
deeyanafuck-ed
fats under arms.
grades.
down, down, down, down.
floorball? no stick.
family.
down, down, down, down.
father. male menopause.
mother. brink of heart attack.
sister. bitch. reminds me of me.
brother. bastard. what happened?
oh i know. ME
secret cave. secret coast. secrets. forbidden secrets.
lips.sew.needle.thread.blood.
dont. disclose.
alliteration.
cleaned room.
clear connection.
hurrah for leeching.
dont work there.
dont, dont dont.
u dont love me.
itwillbeharder.
muchharder.
for.... sewmylipsshut.

shut the fuck up deeyana.

2005-07-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

1. YOUR STAR NAME
(name of first pet + street you live on):
Tara Towner (hey, not bad, not bad..)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandmother's/father's first name + favorite snack):
Alimah Sushi (wahahax, kental)

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant):
Drinks Breeks(hm.)

4. YOUR SOCIALITE NAME
(silliest childhood nickname + first town where you partied):
DeeDee Clark Quay (wha...???)

5. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial + first three letters of your last name)
: Droz. (hahx.)

6. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal + name of high school):
Snow Leopard Crescent (hehx, this is fun)

7. YOUR BARFLY NAME
(last snack food you ate + your favorite drink):
Apple bun red bull. hmm. Applebun Redbull?

8. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name + city where you were born):
(bte??) i dun think this is applicable for me. Binte Singapore. (aku anak singapore!!)

9. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME
(favorite candy + favorite musician's last name):
Reese Chevelle. (i only like he band.) (but hey i sound good!)

10. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of [opposite sex] friend + cell phone company you use):
hmm, zell nokia. heh.

11. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maiden name /+/ first 3 letters of your pet's name + first 3 letters of the town you live in)
firbintarsin
FIRBINTARSIN! I AM FIRBINTARSIN. GOOGOOMAGOOLAKOOKAMANGA!

(and thts all she wrote..)

je ne sais rien pas plus

2005-07-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

clear salted droplets draw strokes down dampened mocha flesh.
recycled emotions regurgitated into choked sobs and fast paced breathing.
hand grenades thrown into the pit of the stomach.
feelings exploding, into hundreds of thousands of directions.
picking up the pieces, insignificance dawning over and over..........................................

bah! forget it.
why feign intelligence.
just say you were sad danah. you were SAD.
you cried and you were sad.
because ur mom scolded you cheebye in front of ur aunties, and because u hate going to kovan to work because ur staff hates you and you guys who use to share intimate details of ur life are now not even talking now eventhough you work in the same small shop. Fuck its been two days working with her, and we haven't even maintained eye contact and not even a peep. Because i broke a promise. Beause of my fucking mistake, that she wouldn't know about if my mom hadn't told her. not not debauchery. well maybe. but i did not exactly indulge myself into something negative. is h_m_s_x_a_i_y considered debauchery.
i dont know.
i dont know.
i dont know.
je ne sais pas.

do you know im going to hell because....
Because.
im going to hell just because.

je vous aime tellement.

mais je ne peux pas vous aimer.

pourquoi ils ne peuvent pas me permettre de vous aimer ?

pourquoi.

dites-moi s'il vous plait pourquoi.

pourquoi font les gens comme nous vont au diable ?

pourqoi?

dites-moi s'il vous plait pourquoi.

pixelated informalities

2005-07-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

At some point or another, the world is going to stop moving. The blanket of blue seen overhead is going to disappear. The cool light breeze is going to stop fingering your long dyed tresses. The nostalgic cotton animals of obscure shapes will stop floating. The gracious sun will stop beating down those hopeful rays. The dreams that give ambiguous answers to life's meaning will cease to continue.

Yet your feet will no longer trample on the land nurtured by filth. No longer will you listen to the blatant lies. No longer will you have to tolerate authorities that don't deserve all that kowtowing. Ingratiating with communal insipid objectives, will be but a distant memory.

Call yourself happy.
Label yourself.
All on the path to self-fulfillment.
Backslap yourself.
Feel liberated to love yourself.
With your last gasping breath, rejuvenate your arid muted carcass by thanking God for such an experience, called Life.

my eyesight is fucked

2005-07-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

i can't realaly see nowadays too clearly.
i need new glasses too.
like they're really senget.
like me.
MAHAHx.
but i really cant fucking see.
even with glasses on.
its like double vision shite.
gawsh.
sumbmersing myself into com geek mode has taken a toll on me.
do send money for the
HELP-DANAH-BUY-GLASSES fund.
danah is me by the way.
dee is so over-rated.
everybody's name is dee nowadays.
even those tht don't have "d-e-e" in 'em.
so i say fuck 'em.
ram them against the walls and fuck 'em.

oh and fuck racists.

i mean those fucking cheena munjen racist fuckers.

okay im contradicting myself by "labelling"

but fuck them.

just because i have somewhat of an ambiguous race,

does not mean that you degrade races tht u find lower than you.

i belong to all those racial groups moron.

and fuck you, dont for once think tht i dont understand the cheenah bullshite

spewing from ur uncouth mouths.

this is fucking singapore

with all its racial harmony bullshite tht they're trying to promote

u'd think that some it would get into the thick skulls of you mindless fucks.we should paste this in every part of sg.

maybe then ppl would get the picture.

oh wait, do you fuckheads not understand symbols.

then there is seriously no hope for you.

may God bless ur wretched lil souls.

to no one in particular

2005-06-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

pull my heart strings.

pluck them one by one.

listen to the sharp piercing sounds,

not the ones coming from my mouth.

graft my mocha skin,

cut out little stars.

issue th

em to all the want them

see the twinkle in their eyes.

drain my crimson liquid,

till the tubes in me run dry.

rub its warmth o'er your soul

that feeds on my pain and fears.

finally,

kiss my tainted lips

that know your techniques too well.

do it it harshly and hurt me

till im numb from ever feeling again.

i tha

nk you.

i love you so.

sharm's bdae

2005-06-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

it was on saturday.
yeah real fun.
then i stank off bbq smoke after tht.
and i didnt bathe.
i only used facial wash.
yes, im a stinky child. i made a new

friend!

is, i think.

yep thts her name.

yay, im happy.

after i left with sindhu, she was like,

"dude...you like dont flirt with chicks man.."

and i was like" i wasnt flirting! she just asked y i was leaving so early"

"right.. and so u have to flirt with her..?"

"no, i just engaged in a conversation with her."

yeah, anyway, is wouldn't really be categorised as a 'chick'.

more of a stud maybe.

hahahhahahahahx.

tsk tsk. some things never change, ey,

danah?

anyway, i noticed Is like waaay before sharm's party.

it was in the sports complex.

and like, i found her real familiar.

she's hedzlyn's fren.

and i asked hedzlyn if she's like a fridae member.

and hedz said she ddnt know.

oh at the party i asked if she belonged to any online community.

(subtle aren't we danah?)

and she said no.. and asked which in particular.

and i said fridae.. herstory.

and she said oh.. are you.

and i grinned and said yes.

so maybe i WAS flirting.

then me jannah and sindhu took pictures of the sunset

and blew bubbles.

it was real nice.

sigh.

then I had a surprise guest.

no names shall be mentioned.

but it was a nice surprise.

thank you.

i gave sharm a massage as a bdae present.

budget anyone?

hahahx, but ppl with magic hands and fingers,

have their way sometimes.

too bad, finding a partner with the same qualities, is near impossible.

sigh

hello, i'm booby:)

intéressant

2005-06-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

i wanted to post quizzes and all.
but tht kinda seems like a waste of time.
pasting things tht tell you what you are. what colour you are, wht kiss you are, wht sexual position you are..
all on the road to self discovery, eh?

i was watching discovery channel tht day.
its a good channel.
i should watch it more often.
and national geographic.
thts good too.
talked about the human mind.
and i'm really interested in these kind of things.
anthropology. analytical research on human behavious and mindsets.
and it found out tht babies can distinguish one animal from another.
we look at a bunch of same species animals and they look the same rite?
but babies 6 months and below see each animal as adifferent species.
they dont all look the same.
interesting, no?

then i continued watching, and found out tht the difference between a fake smile and a genuine smile, are the wrinkles at the corner of your eyes.
genuine smiles have wrinkles, fake smiles dont.
coz a different course goes thru the nuerones of your brain when you're doing something genuinely. a more complicated course. and it not only affects ur lips.
but ur eyes too.

yep and to know if a person is interested in you, while you conversing with him or her, is tht he will start mimicking u actions.
researchers placed two guys with positive and negative personas (mr nice & mr nasty) into two different rooms.
then they were left to talk to individuals about anything at all.
"whats ur favourite film." "what do you do for a living"
wht the individuals didnt know was tht mr nice and mr nasty were given a sequence of actions to carry out while conversing.
cross your legs. jiggle ur foot. scratch your face. smooth your hair. place ur arms behind ur head.
yeah and all tht.
and slowly the individuals speaking to mr nice started to mimick his actions!
cool huh?
coz because they were interested in him, they mimicked his actions to have a closer bond to him.
mr nasty didnt have the same effect.
now you know how to observe ur partner on a date huh?

yep, that and more from the wondrous world of discovery channel.

okay thts the catch phrase from the disney channel.

but VHAT the hey.

my blog. so screw me:)

oh and by thee VHEY,

JE T'AIME L WORD ET KATHERINE MOENNIG

quizzez!

2005-06-19T03:14:00.000-07:00

You scored as Dirty Piercings. AH!!! You dirty person you! Put that away!!! Who did that for you!? Your the kinkiest of the kinkiest and probably think you're hot stuff. Well, maybe you are but that's kinda nasty. Ew. Weirdo.

Dirty Piercings

100%

Nipples

90%

Cartilage Piercing

80%

Lip Piercing

70%

Tongue Piercing

70%

Earlobe Piercing

70%

Labret Piercing

70%

Belly Button Piercing

50%

Nose Piercing

20%

What Piercing Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

hahax, same like siti..

_______________________________________________________

You scored as Milla Jovovich. Full Name: Militza Natasha Jovovich (yo-vo-vitch), Ukrainian. You are extremely versatile, always trying to use your talents in many outlets and learn new stuffs. Not only will this transform you into a very accomplished person, this will also provide you unique experiences which few will possess. However, this eagerness for new things may result in catastrophe because you are not very good at making judgment. Often, your faulty judgment may lead you into troubles. Nevertheless, with good counsel from friends and family, you are likely to become successful.

Milla Jovovich

85%

Claudia Schiffer

75%

Gisele Bundchen

55%

Tyra Banks

50%

Cindy Crawford

45%

Naomi Campbell

45%

Which Supermodel Style Have You Got? (WITH PICS)
created with QuizFarm.com

yay, i've always adored Milla:)

in a heartbeat

2005-06-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

bonjour mon jolies..
im in the sch library.
i didnt go for BSTATS.
clap for moi...

j'ai rencontre siti!!
mon amie!!
we kissed in the atrium.
on the lips.
i hope ppl saw.
hahax, aku attention whore:):):)

now i have a computer fren.
yay...
aku happy...

2005-06-16T04:30:00.000-07:00

i went out with zaph today and it was fun!

yay...

we were cam whores...

yay....

then i ate so much..

boo.....

so i cannot lose weight..

boo!!!

sentosa!

2005-06-14T17:48:00.000-07:00

went out with first three months ppl.
oh so fun.
first me and zaf went to the beach with zell and qam.
hey thts cool! we all have 3 letter nick names!
forgive me, im idotic.
anyway, i wore bikeeneee. shhh, dun tell mama.
only the top lah
despite my lovely babatzz.
but i didnt really care.
to be shy? in front of zell and qam??
let me laugh.
MAAHAA..
okay lah maybe i had a reason to be shy in front of qam.
he is afterall the guy i used to like.
*shudder* why do i compell myself to be idiotic?
no offence to qam. just offence to me. smiles.

and futher evidence tht deeyana is idiotic is that
i can wear a bikini top to the beach
but i dun wear sleeveless or even cap sleeves.
tsk tsk deeyana, u are idiotic.
go get a sword,
i shall dubb thee La Idiotica.
je suis un idiot, no?

let me ask thee
who wears a lyrcra shirt with a bikini top underneath, and glasses and caps..
IN THE WATER?
tsk tsk, i have competition in my prestigious title.
okay zaph, ur not an idiot..
ur just silly. *smiles*
i kept telling her to take off her shirt. and she didnt.
and she said she hated the shirt coz its clingy.
can you say D-U-H?
okay im denigrating zaph.
me art sorry.

then i swimming swimming.
then i tanning tanning.
then my pipi sakit-sakit.
coz i got heat bumps.
*poutz*
i am kawaii yea?
*v-sign*

MAAHAA..

my tanline is okay ah.. my face is the one thts mostly dark.

but alls well:)

then we played touch rugby! okay ah.

me and zell won.

like DUH.

hahax.

but i am slenger. in the middle of the game, my bikinee like came out.

didnt come off lah.

the strings became loose.

luckily i was wearing a shirt.

yalah, ya lah, slenger lah...

grr.

then we went town!

met up with shazleen and mukti.

cheryl came thereafter.

then rozie.

zaph and qam tried to go on making ppl think they were together.

the reaction was like "oh ok".

hahahax, tak jadi ah babe.

they were expecting a bigger reaction.

half truths dun work ey zaph?

wahahahahx.

all in all in was fun lah.

i miss thefirst three months ppl.

so meeting them was great.

oh shazleen lost her ezlink, hope things turn out ok.

hmm, im in the mood for hot chocolate.

the weather's nice.

anybody care to join me under a blanket,

watching friends re-runs with hot choc and marshmellows?

nothing kinky.

just nice company:)

zaph i need to go to ur house.

i miss it:)

cheers ya'll

2005-06-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

the thirteenth is coming.
2 pairs footsteps disappearing into the horizon.
slept at grannies.
granny is in malaysia.
granddaddy has to pee thru a tube.
getting old petrifies me.
tepid trepidation.

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as I stared I counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

what is monogamy like?
i bet its a nice feeling being with someone
whom you love for the rest of your lives.
and the person loves you back.
and you dont want to be with anybody else.
except for him/her.

My head is made up of memories
most of them useless delusions
this room is bored of rehearsal
and sick of the boundaries
I miss you so much

i'm sick and tired of saying i want to lose weight.
because everytime i say that,
it never works.
nothing seems to be working nowadays.
nothing at all.

happy dagger, wherefore art thou.
do you think the dagger is happy because juliet thrusts
it into her bosom?
thus turning it into a peverse dagger?

shut up deeyana and find that damn dagger.
suicidal tendencies?
no not really.
just wanna shut my mind up.
should i run away from home?
my dad wants to put me in a girl's home.
my friend told me that when you go into a girl's home they beat you up. then they become your friend. force you to drink take drugs, smoke, yada yada, lesbian rape stuffs. if you dont, they beat you up. after you do, they beat you up. out of good will.

yippe, lets all go to the girl's home. it'll be like a mass lesbianic orgy/violent sex shite.
c'mon c'mon turn a little faster

shitefuck i dont want to go to some freaking girls home dammit.

2005-06-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

im in macs now...
gonna go home soon i guess.
i have to be good girl now.
do you watch desperate housewives?
my dad thinks that i'm like bree's son.
i think my dad is as psycho as bree too.
he cares too much for me, that he's willing to put me away.

oh well i guess thats the way its gonna be huh.
blah blah blah
i went out with zell that day
it was fun.
it wasn't as bitchy as last time though.
but still fun nonetheless.

haishx.
have you heard some ahli fikir song?
some angguk angguk song.
they make the most mengarut stuck in ur head songs.
im in touch with my music.
what happened to alexisonfire, thrice and ataris deeyana?
sigh, ur a hypocrite
yes i am...

2005-06-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

so its the 3rd week of school.

im in CIP class. some computing shite.

my teacher likes to waste time.

he shows stupid video clips tht nobody pays atention to.

including urs truly

2005-05-26T00:22:00.000-07:00

have u seen how skinny linsay lohan is?
she lost 9 kg!
i am sooo, jealous.
je adore lindsay.
*swoon*
yes i know she's a slut and she looks much older than she is and her boobs are HUGE and FAKE. but i love her nonetheless.

this is her before putting on tons of makeup and plucking her eyebrows. (3.10.2002)

this is her after "blooming"

saw WOW with me!

this is her looking as portly as me. (okay fine, hotter)

and this is her now after losing 9 kg and going blonde.

............

......................

..............................

lindsay, you mesmerise me...

2005-05-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

i have a thing for toilets i think.
i can spend hours in a toilet.
there should be something wrong with tht, me thinks
its not rite for a person to enjoy being in a toilet as much as me.
i could read magazines, write in my journal, make up songs, poems, type on my laptop.
anything.
i really enjoy being in the toilet.
my haven, the jamban.

hahahahahx.insaneness.
i should by right, be in class at this moment.
but im not.
this is not good.
hmm, i have to get a hold of eela.
so i can go out with her.
buti seem to have misplaced her number.
being hp-less does not help either.
my oh my. the onus of education, lies on her!
actually not really. i need her books lah....
bugger.
oh, not eela. im just saying bugger for the fun of it.

oh i saw nad! my lourve!!
she's in ngee ann's mass comm.
who would've thought.
it was such a pleasant surprise.
je vous manque, nad!
and crescent too...
oh my it was tiring spelling tht crescent out.
i miss all the shennanigans tht happened at crescent.
my oh my, im old.

oh well,
i went to tanjong pinang on the weekend. sunday morning we went and monday afternoon we came back.
good fun crammed into one day.
i shall put up a detailed description of what went on, complete with pictures yeah?
tht'll take a long time to upload.
but who cares.

i wanna watch magadascar!! i really do.
i think those meerkats or whatever-marsupial-thingeys are soo funny!
who wants to watch with me?

unni, i'l fetch u from sch one day.

zaph, i'll fetch u from sch one day, if qamarul doesnt beat me to it. grrrr.

shahirah! i wanna meet you.

eela wherefore art thou?my louwe..<3

and i shall be a nerd for this semester!

....

......

....starting from tomorow!

2005-05-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

things turned out ok.
it really did.

im glad it did.

there is no more hatred towards the ex, because it was all a lie.
so now i guess i just have to cope not being with her.
i think i'll survive.
eventhough, je la manque.

je l'ai rencontree ce matin.

Je ne crois pas que je devrais avoir.

en fait, je crois qu'il a ete defendu de moi de faire ainsi.

a cause de cela, on m'a gronde.

je savais qu'il a ete incorrect et je le faisais toujours.

qu'est-ce qui ne va pas avec moi ???

che cosa e più difettoso, e che la ho baciata che sono cosìstupido!

i just hope things can go back to normal.

i dont want any more drama.

seriously.

2005-05-16T00:51:00.000-07:00

ive been going out with different ppl at different times.

i like revelling in this new found singlehood.

i hate that my ex gf is still trying to get me back.

i hate tht she's denying not being with tht ahmoi bitch.

eventhough its apparent tht they really are together,

from my reliable sources.

i hate this whole after-effect thing from getting out of a lesbian relationship.

i hate disappointing my parents.

i dont think i want to get into ANY relationship rite now,

i hate this.

please allow me to rant.

i havent been doing tht lately.

more like trying to be strong and move on.

oh gawsh.

i swear i'll try to be a better person.

i'll really try

:'(

2005-05-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

Kukatakan denagan indah, dengan terbuka
Hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka, menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda, mungkin ku salah
Mengartikannya, yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku, tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku rasakan yang tak terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang tak terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

that song is by peterpan. alot of their songs relate to me at this present moment. esp track 3. di belakangmu. something abt wanting to wait for the person to die in front of ur eyes, coz he killed u just before hugging u. metaporic of coz.
they remind me of an indon yellowcard.
oh well.

i hope things turn out orait. ireally hope so.

better be getting home.

macs is cold.

and i think i have to fold clothes. then meet alvidah.

hmm, i hope i can meet her.

well bye all who read.

are there any?

oh well.

2005-05-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

went out to gelare's with mama.then went to meet carrie at her new work place at ps.
maybe its therapy?
maybe.. these are the pix..

my unfinished waffle..

mama's completely finished waffle.

carrie is full...

me sneaking a shot with mama.

cute blondielocks kid from gelare's.

then i went on to buy pants from U2. nyce, very nyce. i like shopping with mama. then went to carrefour to buy stuff for baked spagetti.. it turned out good.

i hope things turn out good for me.

i really do.

God give me strength.

please:'(

hmm.

2005-05-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

okay i made a new layout.

just a simple one.

no biggie.

its pretty much taken off the blogskin actually.

just changed the colour that's all.

i've had a life changing event.

i broke up.

no biggie?

not really.

its was an extravaganza with fireworks and shite.

11 months gone just like that.

oh for those of you who didn't know.

i was with a girl.

a butch.

oh gawd what a mistake.

no im not condemning butches.

just tht, oh gawd, i thought she'd understand me better.

but no....

had to even start thinking like a guy..

oh gawsh.

i was facing the same shite tht i did in normal girl-guy relationships.

and maybe more.

coz you dont have the complications tht u face in a lesbian relationship.

oh well, for those who are happy being in an "alternative" relationship, good for you.

it wasn't good for me.

i don't think i want to immerse myself into things i dont think i can handle.

no, im gonna immerse into nerd mode when sch starts.

i already have a lack of social life, so why not just go with the flow.

at least i can get grades. and have a fruitful result.

i miss the old me.

in primary school.

at least my relationship with my parents are better.

alhamdulillah.

maybe i'll focus on spiritual development.

that always helps.

God give me strength to go on.

2005-04-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

passed everything..
im staying in school:)

2005-04-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

its beginning to get hard
harder then i could possibly imagine.
gawdammit.

cant i just live in rainbows and sunshine

where skies are blue

where birdies sing oh so sweetly.

and i dont have a worry.

not a single one.

please... pretty please. its a lot to ask for isn't it.

I'm sorry God.

2005-03-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

can't get rid of the damn border!!!!! argh!!!

i

2005-03-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

HMMMM.
i think im lazy to do anymore template configuration.
not that im gonna leave it as it is.
just procrastinate i guess.

2005-03-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

new template but still under MAJOR CONSTRUCTION

dotdot

2005-03-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

zaph's b dae was a huge success.
it was real nice seeng everybody.
esp zell.
i love you zell!
alah, but he'll never see it lah
i have to go out with him lah.
he's like my closest guy buddy.
*sniff*
then hart bong aida nora.
then saw qamarul, huda, dzaf.
it was damn nice seeing them.
i love you too, zaph:)

---------------------------------------------------

but then sunday was fuck.

it really was.

that was yesterday.

it was.

AAAAAAAAARGHHHH~!!!!!!

my dad pressured me abt iqah again. just leave it gawddammit.

then my sister did an unthinkable.

she got hit and crap.

no, she did not get pregnant.

she's 12.

gawd.

kinda makes it worse.

she stole my mom's atm card.

gawddammit, my parents aren't stingy with their money.

they just give according to what we deserve.

which is still considerably ok.

my sister is morphing into me.

too early a stage.

she should'nt be doing this shite.

but i never stole atm cards from my parents.

argh.

-----------------------------------------------------

breathe in

breathe out deeyana.

on the other hand.

meeting dii that day at 1am was..

undescribable.

no wait, actually it was and i wrote a whole detailed entry about it.

and blogger had to be a dumbass about it

i saved it as a draft and it wasn't in a draft.

but i love dii.

i still do.

we're turning 9months on the 13th.

*claps hands*

is deeyana happy?

yeap:)

but about her family?

nope:'(

::cheers ya'll::

zaph turned 18 yesterday.

2005-03-04T06:49:00.000-08:00

zaph's chalet tommorow.
~wheeee.

sho many ppl will be there.
yay!
first 3 months ppl.
sec4 ppl.
yay....

cheers ya'll.

oh and btw, i snuck out and met dii under my block at 1.
i went back at 5.
i wondered what happened between those 4 hours?
hmm..
HMMM......

but it was nyce:)
*beeg, beeg smile*

dum dii dum dum

2005-02-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

yeah, the tags are right. just a fucking 15 yr old.
that has no sense of originality.
that is probably too puerile to comprehend the whole concept of plagirism.
well at least she read my angsty proclamations.
begone vile putrid thing for you have no welcome here.
by the way you can keep ur fucking layout.
since u like it so fucking much.
coz hey, anything to please children:)

---------------------------------------

On a ligther note..

i went out with alvidah.

ooooh, sweetness.

i didnt care that her hair was messy.

that she DID actually look slekeh

but she amazes me.

i am hooked.

mesmerised.

okay not so much.

but just so easily click.

she is tall and skinny, yes she is.

when we went to order at mcdonalds, people stared at her.

coz she looks so differerent ynoe.

not to mention she's mixed.

i love that.

the whole ambiguity of what race you actualy are.

i should know=)

oh but she's more rojak then me.

hahx.

a very long engagement.

yes.

we shall movie date.

oh and our partners shan't know.

we're nice, but still oh so very naughty eh?

j'aime mon petite minette.

certainement, j'aime dii plus.

hahax.

réellement, je suis pas assez bon à cela.

mais je ne me soucie pas.

hahahhahahahx.

i suck don't i?

lost my wallet.

2005-02-21T03:43:00.000-08:00

almost the worst day of my life...
ugh.
almost, coz at least i still got dii.
hahx. im a hopeless sappy romantic.
im at my aunty's house.
the on ewith the adorable boys. one's 2 and the other's 4.
the 2 year old one keeps pressing my boob. highly irritating.
its their sexual curiousity i suppose.hahx.
southern sons is nice. whee.
blehx

taken frm a smart girl.

2005-02-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

We girls can be whiny, moody, high maintenance and thats the better part of the month. Sometimes were monsters on heels.
Yet men still go out with us.
Why do they put up with it?
It must be because were hot.
But sometimes even if youre as sexy as Halle Berry your annoying habits outweigh your hotness. And since most of us arent as hot as Halle Berry, were even more irritating.
But I thought he liked it when I talked in my baby voice, youre probably saying.
Nope, he doesnt.
So before you sabotage your next date by calling him Muscle Muffin, lets try to curb some of those pesky practices.
Shut up.
The only thing worse than listening to a long, rambling story is listening to a long, rambling story about people you dont know. This is what we do to guys all the time.
Does this sound familiar?
So that girl at work, Leah, the one with the stringy hair whos always trying to make me look bad Stop right there.
Because your man just did.
If you want him to listen, you can either spruce up your story-telling skills or simply add in some spicy, somewhat fictional details: So that girl at work, Leah, the one with the big b**bs Hang up.
Being a Cell Phone Joan falls into the same category as telling unsolicited stories. Scaling back the mobile monologues is easy if you make an effort. Save all lengthy conversations for your commute.
When you call your best friend at 5:30 and hang up at 6, she understands that youre multi-tasking. If youre with your man, limit the calls to making quick plans or, of course, wardrobe emergencies with said best friend.
Itd be great if you could cut if off altogether, but were taking baby steps here.
Hurry up.
Ah, this is a classic and a tough one to tackle. Our routine requires more than splashing water on our heads and running out the door, shirt optional.
We have to primp, groom and address unwanted body hair. So to avoid having to respond to, Are you ready yet? every seven minutes, try to de-dawdle.
For starters, avoid putting on make- up while watching television.
If I could restrain from watching Katie Couric and putting on mascara at the same time, I swear I would cut back my morning routine by a good four minutes.
Eat up.
Yes, weve all heard: Your butt is too wide, your thighs are too jiggly and every time you wear your low-rise jeans, your rant shifts to your lower back fat.
Now if you ask your man if he thinks you look fat, hes inevitably going to say, No. And if hes trained properly, hell add, Youre the skinniest girl in the room.
So why ask?
Does this rehearsed validation give you the confidence to wear a tube top despite your fear of arm flab? Whether its all true or part of your sick weight dementia, leave him out of it. Leave the weight whining to when youre sitting around with your girlfriends, cursing your saddle bags over some ice cream.
Hey, were not perfect.
But luckily, neither are they (to say the least).
However, if were gonna be so darn good-looking, it would be nice to have a perfect disposition, personality and intelligence to match.
Now that would really annoy them.

NEED NEW TEMPLATE.

2005-02-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

been trying to look for new templates. gone to blogskins. thought i could edit stuff from there and use them for my own. then i thought of going to dzool's blog, just for the heck of it. because i saw him in the lift. i didnt say hi though.
maybe its coz i haent been to any gigs for a long time.
deeyana dah jadi sombong.. he did look at me. but he didnt say anything either..
hell i dont even know him that well.
anyway, his template is my ideal template, ive been sketching those out during lectures and its exactly how i see it.
only my background would have been black and the stars like realy, light purple.
shite-ums.

watch it disappear

2005-02-13T02:16:00.000-08:00

i miss unni i really do.
i hope she's doing okay.
parents arent happy
do they just want me to throw it all away?
evry.
single.
thing?

yeah sure. throw all the shite and make me an holy innocent.
......
and pigs can fly outta my ass.

gawd, its infuriating.
and the only solace i get, is being with dii.
dii whom im gonna run away with.
dii who im gonna spend my life with.
dii whom i think is the major part of all my problems,
but of whom i cant live without.
choke me, bleed me. only crimson liquid can please me so.
im sorry, i dont know where that came from, but....
i don't think i can bear losing dii.
makes me think up in the clouds. castles in the air.
but no future. dii has no future.
sigh. could i dream forever
and pretend its reality?
could you sew my eyelids shut, and leave the dreaming gas on. just for me.
jus for lil ol' me.
please?

then there wont be death. then there would be wars.
my parents will be happy. and maybe, just maybe, proud of me.
wow, proud of me.
they haven't felt that since i passed my O's.
thats like 2 freaking years ago.
my life is fading away. into the choatic abyss.
that which is my reality that i dont want to face anymore.

yes, deeyana is a fucking coward. a fucking nobody.
a fucking fuck-up.

yes, sir, just switch it on there.
i think its the red switch.
ooh, dreaming gas smells of strawberries.
hold my hand dii.
i think im gonna like this ride.

fuck it. fucking fuck it.

called me out you stayed inside.

2005-02-06T17:48:00.000-08:00

this is a dirty entry

2005-01-31T07:49:00.000-08:00

kiss me hard
till im out of breath
touch my sides my neck
oh, but not down there.
oh, but not up there.
ooh, i told you not to.

make me wet with those eyes of yours
make me sweat and lose control.
go in the corner and grab me close
i know you want it so bad.

hahahahahahahx, dee is horny.
*tralalala*
*skips around*

hmm

2005-01-30T06:56:00.000-08:00

met dii just now.
*skips around*
im happy.

i dont know where my project ppl are.

2005-01-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

oh man the reality of how the lack of a handphone has really begun to sink in.
phuckedy-doo-dah.
i want to be a graphic designer.
i want to be artistic.
i want to have absurd talent that baffles people.
too bad huh?

i mean maybe if i put my mind to it, MAYBE
miracles might happen.
too bad im such a procrastinator that my whole life right now, has fallen weak
and succumbed to its wretched vile hands.
my procrastination that is.

ive started to dwelve into the malay language.
something maybe i should have done in secondary school.
C6 for o levels. gawd, im such a shame.
a minah with C6 for malay.
right.
just like a Hitler that doesn't know how to use a gun.
wouldn't tht be kooky?

but hey, malay is not bad. its so "berbunga-bunga". flowery i mean.
maybe even saccharine.
is tht spelt correctly? is that used correctly?
well what im tryin to say is tht romantic malay can be overdone.
romantic malay is more sickening than romantic english in a way.
you don't get me do you?
but hey, my blog.
so..
tra la la la la*skips around naked*
i do what i want.
gawd, im such a mainstream whore.

broken.

2005-01-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

had a bad day yesterday.
surprised my eyes arent swollen.
thought they would be..
but i know my eyeliner was gone by yesterday.. it wasnt even smudged, it was all washed away by tears.
things are getting to me.
its bad.
my home line is going to get cut.
becoz of me.
my internet wire at home is hidden and only given when necessary.
becoz of me.
the locks are changed at nite.
bcoz of me.
only my parents have the house key.
becoz of me.
my past handphones are given to my siblings
becoz of me.
my sister is becoming a nymphomaniac
becoz of me.
becoz of GODDAMN FREAKING ME.

~~im not okay~~
~~im not okay~~
~~im not okay~~
smile deeyana.
life is turning out just how u planned it.
peachy.

my dad talked to me though. he always has tried to be a good parent. has to compensate with his overtime at work. my dad doesnt get a day off. he works evryday. leaves work at 8 plus and comes home at 10. thats my dad.
it doesn't help tht he has an eff-ed up daugther.
*does a v-sign pose*
am i proud tht im eff-ed up?
phuck, no.
am i proud of my dad?
yeah.. i am.
does he understand you?
no. he doesn't. he tries though. but he does'nt have a clue.
does your mom understand you?
she thinks she does. that sucks.
which is worse? a disillusioned parent or a dubious one?
there's a good question.

"The universal and eternal theme of youth vs age could be arguably said as rather simplistic interpretation which tends to stereotype and polarise the young and old characters into opposing camps.however, there is an obvious gulf between youth and age in terms of the latter's failure to appreciate the needs and feelings of young people.older people tend to ctaegorise themselves as more superior and of better knowledge of things . this could be deemed true as experience comes with age and the two opposing mentalities could result in conflict as demonstrated by most families in the world today"
-deeyana's old blog

dot.
dot dot..
dot dot dot...
dot dot..
dot.

i love you all. bye.

i love you.

2005-01-03T22:52:00.000-08:00

je vous aime tellement que je ne sais pas que faire avec moi. je vous aime, je vous aime, je vous aime.

le amo tanto que no sé que hacer conmigo. le amo, le amo, le amo.

i love you dii...

hello there angel from my nightmare

2005-01-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

havent been blogging

oh dear oh me...

well im trying to make this entry colourful, so forgive my blatant retarded-ness

so anyway, me and dii are still going strong. met dii at workplace that day.

yes its a bloody buruk office but hey, as long as ur there, everything is okay:)

arent i sappy? sindhu would gag.

unni, i heart u. zaph, i heart u. eela, i heart u. crescent and everything related, i HEART u:(

oh man, yesterday i went to floorball to return bee yan's shorts that are long overdue.. since IVP! and seeing them play was just so nostalgic for me... it would have been touching if i hadnt been making friends with one of the guy's girlfriend.. her name's iffah.

*deeyana goes hmm. HMMMMMMM*

well anyway she's a funny fellow. i related to her alot. its kinda funny tht she wears tudung eventhough she doesnt want to. forced wearing of the scarf is not good. not good at all. i think u should be sincere when u wear it, know wht i mean? well anw, its the parents at fault.

how am i gonna be a parent? if i continue on into this relationship where marrige, and let alone courtship is taboo, i don't think i'l ever get a kid... i mean yeah, its scientifically impossible duh.
but.. *shrugs* i love dii. i dont how we're gonna end. yeah, we're gonna end one day. its sad to involve urself into something u know will last temporarily. but i hope it becomes a fantastic and wonderful temporary experience.

sappy again deeyana.
cant help it.
it just happens..
*smiles*

lethargy has set in... al gave me reds. ugh. havent taken it in a looong time.. head hurts.. will talk some other time.. tata

ooh

2004-12-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

insults 4 u

2004-12-19T02:33:00.000-08:00

How do I swear in Korean ?
Ssibal-seki /Samanes-seki - Son of shiteemee sheemee pek
poejee dah - your mother has a bald pussy
Geseki - Son of a bitch
Yumago - fuck you
shibseki - bitch, whore etc.
Ko-chu-pado - suck my dick
Kochu - dick
Dong-mogo - eat shit
K-sa-key - bitch
She-pa-nom - No exact translation but bad
Ja - shick - You are a bastard.

How do I swear in Spanish ?
Marica, maricón, mariconazo - Gay, big gay, faggot
mariquita - Little gay
chapero - gay bitch
Bastardo - Bastard
Cabron - Fucking Bastard
Polla, nabo, rabo, verga, cipote - Dick
Gilipollas, tontopollas - dickhead, asshole
Pichacorta - little dick
cojones, pelotas, huevos - balls, eggs
Cojonazos - Bigballs
Coño, chocho, raja - cunt
Chichi - Pussy
pelos de los huevos/coño - Pubic hair
Mierda - Shit
cagar, jiñar - to shit
Chupame la polla - Suck my dick
Chupamela - Suck it
chupar - tu suckputa - whore, bitch
zorra, guarra - fox, dirty girl
hijo de puta - son of a bitch, motherfucker
follar, joder, chingar - to fuck
Me cago en ti - I shit over you
Chorra, Pinnus - Stupid
que te jodan - fuck you
que te den por culo - fuck off you
Cabron - fucking bastard
Payaso - Clown
Desgraciado - Unlucky (means "son of a bitch")
calientapollas - cockteaser
me cago en la hostia - Fucking Damn it! (literaly: I shit in the communion wafers)
me cago en la leche! - I shit in the milk! (means something like "shit, i've have bad luck")
besame el culo - kiss my ass
hijo de mil putas - son of thousand bitches
metete un palo por el culo - shove a stick up your ass
hueles a mierda - you smell like shit
Jode a tu madre - Fuck your mom

South American Spanish:
Mariposa - Gay (mex.)
joto - faggot (mex.)
Pinga - Dick
Chilito - little dick
panocha - pussy
chimba - pussy (Colombian)
chichis - breasts
Chinga tu madre - Fuck your mom
pendejo/pendeja - (m/f) asshole, dickhead, etc.
chingar - to fuck
pinche - kitchboy
Cago en tu leche - I shit in your milk.
hazte cojer - go and get fucked
Pinche Cabron - fucking son of a bitch (not literal)
concha - bitch
(Argentina)coger - to fuck
(Argentina)La chichi - the girl
(Argentina)La pija/verga - the dick
(Argentina)El orto/ojete - the ass
(Argentina)chupame la pija - suck my dick (Lit: Suck me the dick)
(Argentina)Las tetas - the boobs
(Argentina)El/La Pendejo/a - To call a teenager in a bad way.
(Argentina)La reputisima madre que te remil pario - The more bitch (superlativ) that had you born a thousend times.
(Argentina)Puto/a del orto - That you are a gay/bitch that fuck through your ass.

ive got some booger in my eye

2004-12-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

good morning ya'll.
this template is nice.
i lyke.. but still has to undergo a few more stuff, it needs archiving and at least a link to pictures of me and ppl. oh a counter would be good too.

deeyana ur suppose to go to school.
i don't wanna. i wanna stay home and dance around naked and free!
but what about your father??
oh. so maybe not the naked part. i wanna dance! DANCE, i say!!
shut up and go and mandi bitch.
yes subconcious.
(once back is turned deeyana does a mocking hand puppet)
i saw that you know!
yeah so? bite me! (runs away screaming and peeling her clothes)

-the end-

sorry. its 6:22 in the morning and i should be going off to bathe. S&W!! wheee. i can't wait for it... for you non-NGEE ANN-ers, S&W is Sports and Wellness... yay..... P.E!!!
yes i'm proud to say i'm one of those rare idiots that love P.E.. especially the gruelling crescent P.E... oh miss goon, miss tay... how i dote on thee.... i didn't really like mrs heng. she was a bias bitch.
mr samat....?
hmmmmm...... thts a tougie... k, guess i love sir too.
i miss crescent:'(

oh i met dohnut boi that day!! he's such a NICE guy!!
hahax, reminds me of what almans' sister said of me. i gave her a dollar to buy her mom a present and she squealed loudly"OHMAGAWD SHE'S SO NYYCE!"in that oh-so-put-on bimbo voice. but it was funny.
take me out again dohnut boi, and we can go for ice cream in swensens!swensons.swensens. idon't pay attention to the spelling..
ooh! dee needs to bathe now. will come back some other time.
much love to all!
*esp dii*

gah...

2004-12-12T22:36:00.000-08:00

how long do i have to wait.

bah humbug
ur a hum bug
wht the hell is a humbug?
a bug that hums?
bugs hum????
yes i knw wht a humbug is. i know who scrooge is.
bugs.
why the hell did they name a rabbit bugs??
why doesn't pluto talk or walk up straight eventhough goofy is a dog too??

hhahahax.
now she wants to CHAT with me!
we were freaking suppose to meet up!!!!!!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

hah

2004-12-05T22:20:00.001-08:00

the template is still under major construction.

hah

2004-12-05T22:20:00.000-08:00

the template is still under major construction.

gnaw gnaw gnaw

2004-12-01T21:17:00.000-08:00

havent been updating have u deeyana?
naughty child
but i'v been crazy busy with work... hardly have time to go online..
its insane
its almost as work is the only life i have.
thank God for visiting.
i miss a lot of people. i miss dani cam gigolo. i miss sulaiman dohnut boy. i miss crazy bitchy laney.. kinda miss talking to crappy hadi an.

ive been having weird dreams too.
but not the "so-insane-it-has-to-be-just-a-dream"..
more like what-if situation.. or things that could most likely happen.
and somehow, it just seems scarier that way..

and yes zell, ping yi..
and i love you too laney
slamat hari raya to you too hadi..

i miss all of you. im so out of touch.
*wails*

oooh itchy eyes. ive got itchy eyes...

2004-11-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

i want to do something about the template... ive been wanting to change it for eons.. and my tagoard is screwy.
oh happy hari raya ya'll.
hahax. happy. i mean selamat...
sigh.
went jalan raya-ing today
with MI people.
miss that bunch sho much:)
qamarul wear same colour as me. the irony.
*whispers*(i use to like qamarul, and i was such a freak to him that i scared him)
muahahahahx
no i don't like qamarul anymore. it was a very brief and shortlived phase. thank God.
went with hmm...farah cedar, zafiraf crescent, faizal pingying, qamarul st pats, dzafiirah tks, shazleen tks, mukti kc... i guess thats about it.
oh there's me too. i wore my maroon kebaya. farah wore purple, shazleen and dzaf wore black, zaph wore white, mukti wore jeans and a fushia indian top and faizal zell sukim wore PINK!
hahhahax. it was fun lar.. really it was... im miss MI loads......
oh kak yen is gorgeous. i have a crush on faizal's sister. muahahahahx. but she is... and she lost weight! sho pwetty.
hmmm, i miss dii. dii i miss you! why u watch shutter without me? and always with that cheena girl ah you... ok lar u not alone with her. but still! always with her. manjant lover. dii no love me? hmmm, i am sad:(
me having no phone is tough. oh well. live with it i guess. lack of freedom sucks too. but oh its called punishment afterall. so long ah my punishment...? its ok
deeyana is a naughty girl. must be good girl.
ok? ok.
then can kiss dii:) havent kissed dii in a while.
hah.
love you all!

do you like pina coladaaaas??

2004-11-10T01:36:00.000-08:00

hehex..
the sweetest thing is a great movie.
wait.

..........
.......
.........

oh my gawd.......
geramnye aku............................................
i cant stand this.
i cant stand this..
why does he have to do this to me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

im gonna curse now.
no wait i wont.

arghhhhhhhhhhh.
why do parents have to be born?

aww now this is SWEET!

2004-11-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

When girls are quiet,
Millions of things are running in their mind.

When girls are not arguing,
They are thinking deeply.

When girls look 'staringly' at you,
They are wondering how long you will be around.

When girls answer "i'm fine" after a few seconds,
They are not at all fine.

When girls stare at you,
They are wondering whether you are lying.

When girls lay on your chest,
They are wishing for you to be their's forever.

When girls call you everyday,
They are seeking for your attention.

When girls want to see you everyday,
They want to be loved and pampered by you.

When girls sms u everyday,
They miss you and want you to reply at least once.

When girls say I love you,
They mean it.

When girls say that they can't live without you,
They have made up their mind that you are their future.

and,
When girls say "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than them.

like, oh my gosh.. so sweet.copied off alyzia's blog. miss u.

snogging an almost married man

2004-11-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

hello there
how are you all
im doing okay
not fantastic
but okay
family situation is still shaky

oh well.
love you all loads.
cheers.

the curls have come back

2004-10-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

its better. it always becomes so the next day. but things ARE gonna change. i want them to. i already did a little something. so now i don't have any external linkages to whatever would prevent me from trying to improve the situation.
those who care, please pray for me. i'll pray for you back.
those who don't care, i'll pray for you too.
sigh.
its tough.
but i guess growing up has to come one day. teenage stupidity has to leave at one time. i wont say that im going to stop being a teenager at 17. but i do have to wake up. i do.
its just tough thats all.

thank you sindhu for everything.
i have a bruised right sole. a whole chunk of it is blue-black. it looks like a choked baby. i'm limping now. *snaps for deeyana* -grins- thank you so much. i like that place where we sat. maybe i'll finally get on that ledge without risking a broken neck. i heart u unni=)

::~~gone~~::

twas the nite when i woke up

2004-10-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

The tears that roll down my cheeks falter incomparable to those droplets of agonized emotions that drip from my mom’s sad dark brown eyes. The watery stains that streak down her face grips me, and it’s becoming hard to breathe knowing that the pain that courses through her body is due to me and my own wrongdoings.

Maybe cold hard blow would have been preferable. Let there be bruises. Let there be swelling, physical torture and the pain that would follow suit. It would have hurt less. It would have hurt less seeing anger in their eyes and fury in their blows instead of simple teardrops that provoke too many hurtful emotions.

Somebody called me thick skinned instead of having issues. At this present moment, I really wish I did. Then it would mean that the cold clawed hands of guilt wouldn’t have seeped through my pores and grip my heart, squeezing it tighter and tighter, suffocating me, and making me gasp for that breath of air that would make everything alright. But there is no breath of air. I have to continue gasping and choking till the air is presented to me by the very people that I have caused too much disappointment to. Them.

I wish things were different. That I was different, so that things would be better. The situation rests solely in my hands and only I can improve it. But I'm afraid. I’m afraid I’ll just screw up again. That I’ll fall deeper into my own vortex of stupidity and rebellion.

::~~gone~~::

hah.

2004-10-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

u dreamt u sucked on my boobs.
alah, im not gonna do this. the whole retaliating thing.. im not good at it. i'll leave that to you. screw it.

hmmm, i have to give iqah back her phone. and help her top up the card. gave her the TY already. and syawal is gay as ever. i like him:)

mus is going off on the 25th. current status with him is undefined. we had a beeg beeg fight that i thought to my dismayed relief (oxymoron yeah?) meant that we had broken up. and now he sends apology smses. bingung. bingung.

tomorow is poa. i spent 2 hrs with mrs lee. 2 hrs helped. then met eela and i covered a bit more with eela. met nora. and this present stage in time, me and her seem almost, chummy. hmmm. cross refer to above mentioned situation and you see the screaming difference.

need to bathe. stop rubbing my head insyirah.

::~~gone~~::

heart stops.

2004-10-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

but i really am afraid.
im so lazy damn it.
im so so lazy.

i think im going to fail poly.
now how dumb is that..

hey.

2004-10-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

"i should start naming idiots. maybe the HINT might get through their thick skin.
idiot 1: people who think they're goth but wear adidas sneakers and thinks hip hop is nice
idiot 2: a CERTAIN SOMEONE whose name starts with D who is a virgo and goes around leeching on other people.
idiot 3: pple who get kicked out of poly even though they were taking EASY courses.. HOW CAN ANYONE GET KICKED OUT OF BUSINESS STUDIES IN POLY?

hmm. i think i shall stick this to my unforgettable list.

someone once told me that imitation is the greatest form of admiration.
so to look at things positively, leeches just prove that you have fans."

"and did i ever mention i hate virgos? everlasting hate for virgos is what i have. i am not biased. but why do virgos irk me so much?
i just really really hate them.
they are like leeches.

leech: "hi why dont i take your blood and then make it mine?"
a virgo: "hi i think you're cool do you mind me listening to YOUR kind of music etc etc?"

and the leech comment in my previous previous entry wasnt abt sin.
i just hate leeches. they're like virgos.
"

im sorry for offending you. i actually wrote out a whole responce to this. not very pretty. you know i can use things against you right? i mean it might have been a weak argument, because u can hold far more against me. but i know stuff. and i don't want to put it down here. coz then it'll never end. i can't fight back with you, because i'll lose. or i'll just break down. i'm not as strong as you. you win. and im sorry for what happened before. and as much as i can curse and swear and reveal things about you that wouldn't be very nice, i just don't want it to go on anymore..

pubic hair on my head

2004-10-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

hair is so freaking dry now
it s resembling my title.

i watched boys dont cry.
i love that movie.
do you know hilary swank goes butt naked in that?
boobs and pussy.
and yet its so sad.
she dies you know.
okay lets call her a he since she wanted it so.
they just had to kill him i guess.
to show people that the underlying fact is that being a dyke is BAD.
homophobia really is a social disease.
and its just so sad. i really liked hilary swank in the movie. no wonder she got an award.
but her career just went downhill from there now didn't it?
i gasped and covered my mouth when john shot brandon.
i wanted to cry but i was just too shocked that he actually shot him.
and i don't get why they had to shoot candice too. it just so freaking unfair.

i relate with that movie.
a lot.
the whole sexuality issue?
ive got issues.
zell just told me i did.
i guess i do.

lets see a shrink shall we? seems like such fun
i heard they give sweets.

i dunno what's happening to me
im screwing up my lifee conciously
i know im screwing it up
and i dont do anything to stop it
in fact i think i make things worst.
oh gawd what is gonna happen to me.
i need to pray a lot.

a lot a lot.

rumble, rumble goes my tummy.

2004-10-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

i've been in school since oh nine. its been a long time no?

it don't matter. oh its the second day of fasting. how are you guys hanging on? good i hope.. and you smokers? yes i know how that feels.

sigh. bored as hell. eela and me watched two sucky movies in a row. me thinks its not good for the soul, yeah? and overload of bullshit would one way or another contaminate your system. how i long for good movies. no actually i don't. those movies were not entertaining. i wouldn't mind a good old fashioned mindless comedy please. no intelligent comedies. the mind works too hard.

i do fear that deeyana grows dumber by the day. perhaps it is the inchoate mind that is to blame. or maybe the over-influential friends that she roams around with. no nothing to do with school friends. more like outside friends. the lack of education that she has from certain peers has rubbed off on me. i want to lead a simple life. no more profound crap for dee.

and yet i contradict myself. oh god, i sound aweful. i love my friends i love all of them.
sigh..

i miss iqah and mus:(

happy ramadhan to all muslims

2004-10-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

said the unorthodox muslim.
oh well.

but i really try and be good during this month.
honest, i do..

waiting for rainfall

2004-10-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

mus is apparently not talking to me.
yay for dee....
argh..
talk abt puerile.....

oh well.
no big deal.
its not that i don't love him.
but i can't stand some of his ways sometimes.
oh well.

i guess good things don't last.

i got back with iqah.
im sorry to all who have protested against it.
but i have.
and i'm happy that i did.

so u can't do anything abt it!
hehex

hmm, been spending a lot of time with Dani Sneaker Pimp.
we might make out soon.

muahahahhhahx
tata

the ahchoo-ness of it all

2004-10-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

hi people. so i am now officially back in action yay... hey could you guys tag and come down here? coz the previous blog is totally scraped off. i just realised something too. that this blog is extremely feminine. what is up with that?
dello dee? are you ok?
actually no im not.
im sneezing my brains off.
who would've thought that so much mucus could come out of one person.
oh well.

suppose to go out study today. i spent the day resting and sleeping and being the sloth that i am.
oh well.
there goes the exams.
can you see it?
can you see it dee?
its your studies?
its going down the drain like the liquidified shite that you are.
oh well.
hahaahahx

is dee really pink and purple and black?
i like purple
but maybe pink is too much.

i shall change it later on.

do you know i met the lesbian couple from the NUS gig?
the one where the butch is from The Wall Between. the one with the toyol voocalist.
dee is too friendly.
i approached the passive and said that i've seen her girlfriend perform.
this was all at kovan.
and then later they came to the shop.
the butch's name is Trent.
that's a fucking cool name. i like it.
she's intruiging, no?
i don't know. i find butches intruiging. but getting with one is hard.
*bad experience*
oh space is now working for us. its insane. she quit World Of Sports.
i have a butch working for us!
-grins-
hahax, but she looks feminine lah. minus all them tattoos. she looks docile enough.
hahax, docile.
i haven't used that word in eons.
hahax, docile.

ok, ok. its just a 2nd entry thingey. i don't really wanna go hard-on into an entry.
but it still looks pretty long, no?

:;~~gone~~::

ooh, hello.

2004-10-12T05:34:00.000-07:00

how come i couldn't blog before? and now i can? this is quite insane.
blogging hasn't been done in a while